Friday, October 23, 2009

Happy Birthday

Holy Frack - I have a teenager at home!

Howdy kids. Old, frail, completely lost in the dark ages, and father of a teen... it's your 'ol pal Scrubbie here.

It's official boys & girls. The Kid - 13 today. Happy Birthday my son. When it comes to young'ens m'boy - you are the best! Your mommy and I love you tons. Happy Birthday.

So - last night - a little before midnight - we left the Wife not feelin' any pain. She was uber-tired. The kid was refusing to go slip-slidin' on out. Both the Wife and the as yet unborn Kid were both startin' to be a little distressed. And the fetus-fetchers had decided to use a Ginsu knife to snatch the kid. Oh - that's graphic. Should put a public service announcement on here.

So - the clock ticks forward and we are now Wednesday October 23, 1996. This was, in fact, "due date". The magicians with their magic ultrasound wands told us ages ago that this was going to be due date. Turns out they were right.

The clock strikes 2am and the fetus-fetchers come to get us. Scrub dons his doctorin' outfit so he can go in with the Wife while the squirt is brought out. And... once again - wont get into details... but ya know what goes on.

So - we're in there. And - yoink! There's the kid!

Somethin weird goin on though. The doc - she was lookin'.... well.... lookin strange. Her doctorin' partner and her were lookin at each other weird.

The kid - was taken over to the little "warm the fella up" table on the other side of the room. There - there was a bunch of folks givin' him the once over.

Somethin's not right.

Then, one of the nurses looked back at the Wife and me. "What's going on?" the wife and I say at the same time to each other.

Oh - here she comes. Little Scrub all swaddled up. This nurse was so very nice. Leaned down to us and showed us the kids face for the first time.

"He is beautiful!" she says... "There's just one little thing..." and she shows us his hand. "He doesnt have fingers on this side." she says. "If it's ok with you - we'd like to just check him out to make sure everything is ok." We said "sure". So - off he went back to the other side of the room with the whole team there and they gave the kid the once over.

In the meantime - the Wife is bein attended to. She isn't doin well. Again - spare ya the details.

Bout 20 mins later - nurse brings the boy back and tells us that things seem to be OK. There's a couple of things going on that put the kid into the intensive care unit - but overall - things are good.

So - there we are - by now, it's 3:30am. The Kid - all swaddled up and snoozin. The Wife - zonked and catchin some ZZZZ's. Scrub - still awake and in no way ready to sleep. So, I grabs a cuppa tea and go for a stroll.

The kid was born at a pretty major hospital here in Ontario. It's always a busy bustlin' place. But - not so much so at 3:30am. I was through the main floor of the hospital - not a soul. Out the main entrance - not a soul. Across the parking lot and over the parking garage - not a soul. And, despite the hospital being on the main drag of a major city - I stand right out there and as far as the eye could see - not a soul. It was really like some higher force pressed "pause" on life so Scrub would have a few seconds to catch his breath. I took a sip of my tea. I took a deep breath. And, I think to myself...

"I have a son. I have a family."

At this very moment - life... would never the be same.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Make it a Double Dose, please.

"I dont wanna do this anymore!"

Yes Scrublings - its yer ol pal Scrub here once again.

We last left our heroine quite preggers, experiencing some discomfort and strolling the halls of the hospital with her dear Scrubbie in hand.

Well.... the aforementioned walk through the halls did diddly-squat in terms of bring the Wife any relief.

We did make a little stop at the telephone though. The Wife called up our dear friend Hurricane and immediately burst into tears saying "I dont wanna do this anymore!" Ummmm... bit late for that.

So - after a good boo-hoo... the Wife and me returned to our room. Things seemed to be calming down a wee bit.

We had planned to hang out and get in a game or two of Cribbage. So, we had brought all the goods to play - dug 'em out of the bag and plunked ourselves down to count to 15 a whole buncha times.

We managed to get the cards dealt. The Wife laid down her first card. "Four..... OHHHHHHH!" Contraction. Tears. "I can't do this!" More tears.

"Time for drugs?" I ask.

"YES" she says.


Well - will spare ya the details of the epidural. Will just skip to the end: "Ahhhhhhh". No more tears.

The Wife is nice and comfy now. Ummm... a little too comfy.

"Oh...." says Florence Nightengale, our Nurse. "I think we might have given you a little too much".

Apparently so. The Wife - cant feel nothin from her belly button on down.

The Wife - thrilled to bits with this development.

Anyway - hours and hours have gone by. Women have arrived. Shot out a kid. Cleaned up. On their way home. We are... still there.

Things seems to be moving a little slowly.

"Ya know, Mrs. Scrubbie..." one of the nurses says... "maybe we can help things move along."

"Really? How?" asks the Wife.

"We're gonna tie you up." says Florence.

"But that's how I ended up like this!" says the Wife.

Scrub - not in the room when all this went down. Scrub - returned to the room to find: 4 nurses, many bedsheets turned and twisted up, one preggo belly being supported up in the direction of boobies with said bedsheets, 5 women giggling. If this were an issue of Playboy magazine I would have started this posting by saying: "This never usually happens to me... but...."

Ya - it was pretty funny.

So - little more time goes by. Well.. a lot of time really.

Time's a ticking. Wait! What's this?! Somethin about a doc sayin that the Wife is all ready to get goin with the pushin.

"Ok, Mrs. Scrubbie..." says the nurse... "we're gonna ease up on your epidural now."

"Huh?" says the wife. "Why?" asks the wife. There is a distinct tone of... ummmm... panic in her voice.

"Well..." says the nurse... "we need you to be able to feel everything 'down there' when you're pushing."

"Now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute here. Nobody said anything about having to feel anything!" says the wife.

Despite a vigorous protest - the epidural was in fact eased back and sure enough - the wife was a' feelin it.

"Ok Mrs. Scrubbie... time to push. Ready? 1. 2. 3. PUSH"

Again - I'll spare the details.

Nothin. No kid. No nothin. Despite the pushin'. Nothin.

In our fetus-fetchin' room - there was this big 'ol light that the docs and nurses could roll around. They crank this mega watt thing on to get a good peek at the U-hoo and everything that's goin on 'down there'. Know what I mean?

The wife... being a Scrapper... says "oooooo - that's one helluva craft light! I want it!" (I know... seriously, eh?)

So - the light is on. It's practically daylight on one particular wifey area. There's the nurse and Scrubbie yellin "Come to the light! Come into the light!"

But - still.... nothin. No kid. No nothin.

Well - this went on for a while. A good while. The wife - after already bein at this whole givin' birth thing for the better part of 24 hour straight... was exhausted. The docs - had these machines that go 'ping' all over the place and told us that the Kid - appeared to be hangin on for dear life. Nice and warm in there. No reason to leave. (things haven't changed. STILL a stubborn little fart). And, according to the machines that go 'ping'... all this huffin and puffin wasn't good for either the little fella or his soon to be mommy. So - decision was made to yank him out with a C-section. Mommy - pretty much too exhausted to even care at this point.

So - epidural cranked up again. Nicely cranked up. Wife - bit of relief. Scrub - still awake. Time: a little before midnight on October 22nd.

Now - we wait.

The story continues....

***Addendum. Hey kids - Scrub here again. It's been a few minutes since I hit the publish button. The wife - just did a review of Scrubs writing and wishes for me to point out somethin. I mentioned that it's been almost 24 hours of this givin' birth thing. Well - minor correction. See - it was Monday morning at 8am when the whole process started and contractions began. So, in fact, now that it's almost midnight on Tuesday - we are WAY past 24 hours. WAY WAY past 24 hours. And, the Wife - at this time of a little before midnight on Tuesday October 22nd - is thinkin to herself: "Gosh Darnit... almost 48 hours of labour and NOW they wanna do a C-section? Why the hell couldnt we have decided this 47 hours ago?"

Now that I have made this correction - the Wife is going to put away the kitchen knife that has been positioned strategically in Scrub's direction.


Phew - we made it!

... the story continues

Morning boys & girls - it's yer ol pal Scrubbie here!

So - where was I? Oh ya... the Wife. The pending Kid. The fetus-fetchers. Got it.

The Wife and me - high-tailed it to the doctorin' facility without incident. No ERBDK needed.

Arrived. Went in.

"Good morning" I says. "I am Scrubbie. This is The Wife. We are here to have a Kid." It was all very orderly.

"Good morning Mr. Scrubbie, Mrs. Scrubbie" the lady says. "Mrs. Scrubbie - why don't you go in there and put on this little gown..." and the lady points to the fetus-fetchin' room.

We head in.

In the room beside us - there was another woman who was in the middle of *gulp... deliverin' her kid. And, that woman beside us in the middle of *gulp... deliverin' her kid....was a screamer. No other way to put it. She was a screamer. Not happy about childbirth. Not at all.

'Course - don't blame her. I mean - seriously. A kid. Out 'that' thing? No frackken way.

But...the important thing to know is... me and the wife - we're only separated from Screamer by a wall. Thin little wall.

The Wife - gawd lov'er - she went through that woman thing of "oh sure... lets go natural". And, was pretty much all set on it. Until Screamer.

Out of the Loo she came - eyes wide as saucers. jaw on the ground. sweat pourin off her brow. "I'm NOT going through THAT!" she says. "WHERE'S THE DRUGS!?"

Anyway - the Kid was still not due for a few hours - so the Wife and me made our way down to the cafeteria to grab a little breakfast. It was nice. Quiet morning. The smell of yummy stuff wafting through the place. It was nice.

Scrub - good 'ol bacon and eggs. Yum Yum. The Wife - fluffy pancakes. This was a mistake.

See - the Wife - she dribbled nothin more than a single drop of golden goodness on her frock. Just one small smackerin' of maple syrup. True Canadian nectar. But, for the next 42 hours - that wee dash of otherwise deliciousness was a permanent olfactory presence and lingered with the Wife through the whole day and night. My friends - The Wife... not a happy camper about this. Not one little bit.

We finish up our breakky and make our way back up to the room. The 'ol labour pains - comin' on a little stronger now. Time for some intervention. "Nurse!"

The Wife decides she wants to try Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation. Fancy, eh? We got all the good stuff here in the Great White. So - this TENS machine - basically tries to trick your body into thinking that there's no pain.

Need a review? The Wife - she'll tell ya.... DAMN'D THING DOESN'T WORK.

She had that thing cranked up so high, hair was burnin, skin was rippling and smoke was comin out her ears. If you stuck a light bulb in her mouth - would have lit up the room.

Then - the worst part... the nurse (that poor woman) made the mistake of suggesting that maybe taking a walk would help.

I'm not entirely sure. It was all a blur. But, I am fairly confident that the Wife turned a shade of... well... it was definitely a shade of red. And, then there was somethin' about "you want me to walk to make this pain go away?" or something to that effect. Now.. the nurse wasn't really all that shocked by the Wife's reaction to her suggestion that a stroll down the hallway was the sure fire method to bodily bliss. What really shook the nurse was when the devil horns sprouted outa the Wife's forehead and fire blew out her nostrils. Ya - I think that's what did it.

Oh - just kiddin. We took a walk.

No - didn't help.

The story continues...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The day is fast approaching

"Hi Honey... I think my water broke."

Howdy kids. It's Scrubbie at the keys tonight for yer readin' pleasure.

Yes boys & girls - that was the phrase that greeted me at 8:02am 13 years ago today.

See... the Kid - gonna be a teen only two days from now. And, every year, the Wife and me go through the 48 hours that lead up to the arrival.

So - I gets to work. The phone was ringing. Didn't make it to the phone in time. But, said to my pal there "bet that was the Wife sayin the Kid is on the way". Sure enough - 2 mins later - phone rings again. And, yep... the Wife says ... well... you know what she says. No need to get graphic, right?

Scrub hops in the go-kart and fetches the Wife and away we go to the fetus-fetcher.

But - While the bun was in the oven, and pretty near darn ready... things were'nt quite.... ummm.... ready... ummm... yet.

So - sent the Wife and me home to go and have a bit of supper. If the wee fella wasn't slip-slidin' on out overnight - they told us to return to the fetus-fetcher and they'd scare him out - or whatever they were gonna do.

Went home. Went and visited the parents - both sets. Ahhhh... the Wife... she was a'glowin'. Then, we went to a local eatery to scarf down some rotisserie chicken. Couldn't believe the Wife was in labour - and there we were - at a local eatery - scarfin' down some rotisserie chicken. But - there ya go. That's what we did.

Didn't make it through the whole night. The wife - she was feelin' it BIG TIME. So, we packed up again and headed out into the REALLY early morning.

Oh - important to note: Scrub and the Wife had an igloo that was a good .... oh... 50 mins by go-kart at full throttle away from the fetus-fetchin' building. 50 MINUTES! That's an hour if you factor in a stop at Timmies for a coffee. Which, of course, had to happen. We're Canadian, eh.

Now - Scrub was not interested in havin' the Kid make his grand appearance into this world on the side of the road. Nope - not one little bit.

But - as Scrub was a Boy Scout at one time - he remembered the motto "Be Prepared".

So - Scrub had his ERBDK ready to go. Packed. Ready to go.

Huh? OH - ERBDK? Ya - stands for Emergency Roadside Baby Delivery Kit.

Had all the good stuff in it. Couple of towels. Bottled water. Gloves. Turkey baster.

Huh? Turkey baster? Oh hell ya! Ya know - all them doctorin' shows. How they stick a turkey baster up the kids nose after they're born to suck out all the goo? Gotta have a turkey baster in your ERBDK. Obviously.

the story continues....

Monday, October 19, 2009

Uhhhh - What's yer name?

"Please Sir, may I have some more?"

Morning kids - tiz Scrubbie here at the keyboard this morning. How are ya'll?

Oh - remember that line from "Oliver!" - then Mr. Bumble says "WHAT? MORE?" hehe - oh ya, I remember that well.

That's kinda how I feel today.

See - as you know, Scrub does this charitable organization thingy. And, being as there really isn't a magic money tree (damnit) - we have to go and ask for a few dollars here and there in order to do things for the kiddies around the community.

Well - today is one of those days that Scrub has to go in front of some folk that have cheque signing on their minds and tell them why it's a great idea of sign one of those cheques for this particular charity.

Oh sure - sounds easy. But - Scrub's never really done that before - so he is, well, ummm... kind nervous about it all. Specially since Scrub's goin in askin for more than 10 bucks. Lots more.

But - I'll just throw on extra underarm stuff, make sure the 'ol adult diaper is clean and head on in. Wish me luck. Oh - and make sure the ice cube tray is full, cause Scrub's gonna need a bevvy afterwards.

Hey - did I mention that Scrub's pappy is back from from the Health Hilton? Yep - home, safe and sound. Feelin' pretty good. Everything is back to normal.

Well - as normal as it gets 'round here.

And - bein as digiscrappin has been fast and furious these last few days - here's another little somethin' somethin'.

It's a few of the fam. Not all of 'em.

The Wife aint in the pic. She was hacking up a lung that day.

But - Cuzin Dolphin is in there. His folks - Uncle John (everyone has an Uncle John it seems) (oh - and it's HIS family that are the country bumpkin folk from the hills of West Virginny.) (don't take offense to that remark. he sure doesn't. self described, as a matter of fact) (oh - and for anyone from West Virginny who may be browsing the 'ol Scrubberoo today - here's a little evidence of Uncle John's origins - as heard in this phrase: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise!" Sound familiar?)

Ummmmm - where was I? Oh ya - the fam. So - Uncle John, Auntie Jen (Scrub's mental connection), The Kid is there. So is Scrubby Mom and Scrubby Pop. Hey - off to the right - that's Scrub's baby bro. I don't quite know what to call him. Not yet anyway.

I'll have to come up with something.

That can be shared on the interweb.


Sunday, October 18, 2009

Scrubbie Shares - Tool Time

Morning Boys & Girls! It's your 'ol pal Scrubbie here on a frosty, chilly, sunny Sunday morning in the Great White North.

Alrighty - so it's time for another edition of Scrubbie Shares. And, Scrub has a freebie for ya and yer digiscrappin' pleasure.

Ya'll recall a while back, Scrub told ya about a nasty bit of business at the Scrub Shack? Few years back there was this, ummmm, fire. Big one. And, the Scrub Schack went bye-bye. All of it.

Anyway... long story made short... the Wife and me were able to dig out a few of the Scrappy layouts we had made over time that were all mangled and nasty lookin. And, through the miracle of photoshop and Crown Royal, Scrub's been mucking around with them to bring 'em back to life electronically. Kewl, eh?

Here - take a look. Little before and after for ya.

Not quite identical - but that first one did survive a million gallons of water, fire supression foam and the ravages of time. (Remember - Scrub's an old fart and the page was done with *gulp* paper about a hundred years ago)

Anyway - there's been some nice comments about Tool Time - so thought it'd be fun to do a little quickpage for ya. It's the Tool Time page - without the Kid in it. haha.

You know the drill - download, insert your pic and take all the credit yourself.

Oh - and as usual - my Terms of Use: Only use when enjoying a cool, refreshing beverage. Ummmm - that's about it.

So, without further ado... you can get the DOWNLOAD GIGGLES HERE!

Who loves ya? SCRUBBIE!